Memoir

Of Lies and Broken Bones, Of Objects Used and Abused

Of Lies and Broken Bones, Of Objects Used and Abused

CW: child sexual abuse, ptsd, suicide When I was in third grade, I started keeping a diary. Also when I ...
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Letter from DOE about NY Yeshivas and Substantial Equivalency

Letter from DOE about NY Yeshivas and Substantial Equivalency

Chancellor Carranza sent a letter to Commissioner Elia today regarding the ridiculously long process of determining whether certain yeshivas in ...
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Yeshiva Memories

Yeshiva Memories

Earlier today, a friend wrote a Facebook post about some of his experiences in a charedi yeshiva. Many others chimed ...
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Why I Skipped the Fourth Night of Chanukah

Why I Skipped the Fourth Night of Chanukah

CW: abuse, graphic moment of PTSD Last night, I wrote a Facebook post. I started writing it as a brief ...
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Support a College Student

Support a College Student

A frum girl is having trouble paying for her college. Help a yid out? ...
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Sorted: Educators' Praise as Evidence of Their Ideologies

Sorted: Educators’ Praise as Evidence of Their Ideologies

It stands to reason that the traits praised by educators are the ones they see as the goal of education ...
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Announcing: The Bais Yaakov Project!

Announcing: The Bais Yaakov Project!

I am overjoyed to announce that I am part of a brand-new project, The Bais Yaakov Project. The website is still ...
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What Makes a Book a Sefer?

What Makes a Book a Sefer?

Fun little memory that pops into my mind every so often, and now because I'm reading this blog post (still ...
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The Dangers of Critical Thinking

It's sukkos now, and though I no longer go to my parents for the holidays, many of my formerly-religious friends ...
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What's In a Name

What’s In a Name

Step 1: Get birth certificate from parents' basement. Fill out form. Go to courthouse. Find out this is not enough ...
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The Day Mommy Ran Away From Home

The Day Mommy Ran Away From Home

It was a typical spring evening. The kids all sat around the kitchen table. Two of the boys fought and ...
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I Mourn

I Mourn

Today is Tisha b'Av, the ninth day of the Jewish month of Av - the day when the destruction of ...
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2005-02 Play 9

The Exhilaration of Teenage Rebellion

Originally published on Tales Out of Bais Yaakov. A few years ago, my sister was in her BY high school ...
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An Ex-Orthodox Queer Reviews Disobedience: Part 2

An Ex-Orthodox Queer Reviews Disobedience: Part 2

I have been sitting on this for a while, afraid to post it because it doesn't sound like a "real" ...
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Just One Shabbos

Just One Shabbos

The very last time I visited my family was Shabbos zachor, the shabbos before Purim 2017. That shabbos was a ...
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Smiling with Clenched Teeth

I wrote this piece over two years ago. I no longer go home, and I no longer clench my teeth, ...
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OTD: The Frummest of Them All

OTD: The Frummest of Them All

Image from the Chumrah Song. A more appropriate song for this post is the Aveirah Song but this image was too ...
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High School Follies: "An Open Letter to the Girls in My Class"

High School Follies: “An Open Letter to the Girls in My Class”

This, for once, I did not write. The girl who wrote it likely would not stand by her words today ...
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Of Joy and Friendship and Acceptance

Of Joy and Friendship and Acceptance

I often share stories of difficulty and pain about "going home XO." Here's one of joy and love about seeing ...
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The Frum Community: An Ideology of Guidance and Dependence

The Frum Community: An Ideology of Guidance and Dependence

In One of Us, the 2017 documentary that follows three people who broke free of their Hasidic upbringing, at least ...
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High School Follies: A Capitalist Approach to Kindness

High School Follies: A Capitalist Approach to Kindness

Next installment of the "what was I thinking" things I wrote in high school! This one's just funny, really. Not ...
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A Culture of Closeness that Breeds Opportunities for Abuse

A Culture of Closeness that Breeds Opportunities for Abuse

A few days ago, a brave soul published her story on YouTube (video below). It's a difficult watch, but an ...
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The Nation Could Not Ascend

The Nation Could Not Ascend

This seems to be turning into a Shavuos tradition of mine: revising and revisiting the piece I wrote on the ...
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Scientific Evidence that Social Binaries Are Bullshit

Scientific Evidence that Social Binaries Are Bullshit

Years ago, when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and started getting regular blood tests including hormone panels, I found out ...
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An Ex-Orthodox Queer Reviews a Review of Disobedience

An Ex-Orthodox Queer Reviews a Review of Disobedience

In which I semi-formally, and with lots of cursing, critique the NYT review of "Disobedience." ...
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Kol Yisroel Areivim - Racism in a Story I Wrote in High School

Kol Yisroel Areivim – Racism in a Story I Wrote in High School

Please read this before scrolling down to the transcription. This is a story I wrote for a school publication when ...
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Questioning Hashgacha Pratis

Questioning Hashgacha Pratis

See here for an explanation of what I'm doing in this series of posts. I find this story fascinating, because ...
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What I Would Say to Parents of OTD People

What I Would Say to Parents of OTD People

About a year ago, I was contacted by a rabbi I knew. He had been invited to speak at an ...
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Ma Nishtana

Ma Nishtana

Why do we do this, Tatty? Mommy, please tell me why. And why do we say this, Mommy? Tatty, please ...
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Of Memory and "Memory"

Of Memory and "Memory"

Below are images and a transcription of teachers' answers to the question "How has Bais Yaakov changed over the years?" ...
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DocFile (3)

Ritual and Recognition

Beginning strong on April 1 for Na/GloPoWriMo with a blackout poem! Some blackout poems require me to take my time ...
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Dark Souls

Dark Souls

I'm planning to participate in Na/GloPoWriMo (National / Global Poetry Writing Month). I was thinking about committing to writing an ...
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Can I Go Back & Rewrite My Adolescence?

Can I Go Back & Rewrite My Adolescence?

A while ago, I posted about a song from my high school days. I examined the rhetoric of the song, ...
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Jewish Music Playlists on YouTube

At a workshop about expanding medieval studies to be more inclusive, a professor said something that got me thinking. Remember ...
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Internet Asifa Transcription #2

Internet Asifa Transcription #2

Find the first transcription here. This post transcribes a damaged section of the video, and includes two speakers' partial speeches ...
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Feminist Esther: A Retelling of the Purim Story

Feminist Esther: A Retelling of the Purim Story

 וַיְהִי, בִּימֵי אֲחַשְׁוֵרוֹשׁ And so it was in the days of Achashverosh - Wait, why are we marking time by ...
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A Promise for Parshas Zachor

A Promise for Parshas Zachor

Tomorrow, as part of the shabbos morning davening (prayer services), people will listen to a few psukim (verses) read aloud ...
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Internet Asifah Transcription #1

Internet Asifah Transcription #1

So this was loads of fun. (I mean that both seriously and sarcastically.) Took way longer than I though it ...
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The Importance of Contact and Community

The Importance of Contact and Community

The part that struck me most was when Shulem talks about what blogging did for him, how it affected him ...
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Conduct Manuals

Conduct Manuals

Miss Greenberg wanted to play on that princess idea and design the newspaper as a manual for how to behave ...
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Deputized Adults

Deputized Adults

The title of this post comes from a friend's comment. She was having trouble putting her toddler to sleep and ...
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A Passing Failure

A Passing Failure

This is a story about many things: about anxiety, about mishaps, about academia, about family... It's a story of success ...
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Look, Ma, No Faith!

Look, Ma, No Faith!

The rain fell lightly as I left the City College Writing Center and headed to the train. It was a ...
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Modeh Ani Lefanai

Modeh Ani Lefanai

There's a smile on my face every step of my day Joie de vivre because you're here every step of ...
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XO Visibility and the Benefits of Public Conversation

XO Visibility and the Benefits of Public Conversation

In almost every lecture or event about the "OTD Crisis," the speaker will mention the multitudes of young men and ...
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Fantasies of a Bayis Ne'eman

Fantasies of a Bayis Ne'eman

Notes: This is a work of fiction, based on a story someone told me. It is not about me. It ...
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Year of Firsts

Year of Firsts

On New Year's Eve of 2015, I was alone in my apartment. I didn't know what to do with myself ...
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"I Feel Like Esav"

"I Feel Like Esav"

On my second Purim "out," in 2015, I taught in the morning, and then went to Brooklyn to be with my ...
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Dear Parents: You're Allowed to Love Me - A Rabbi Said So

Dear Parents: You're Allowed to Love Me – A Rabbi Said So

The first iteration of this blog was called "Coming Home OTD." The point of it was to show the difficulties ...
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Chasing My Spirit

As part of my blackout poetry / text rehabilitation efforts lately, I decided to use pages from my old siddur ...
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Oh, the Clean Impure Hands!

Oh, the Clean Impure Hands!

After months of repeated pleas to spend more time at home, the wayward daughter has come back for a weekend ...
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Chanukah: Eighth Candle

Chanukah: Eighth Candle

For the last seven nights, I've shared memories of Chanukahs past with my family. Here's a bit of candle-lighting I ...
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Chanukah: Seventh Candle

Chanukah: Seventh Candle

Chanukah 2015: five menorahs ...
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Chanukah: Sixth Candle

Chanukah: Sixth Candle

A few more Chanukah-licht photos from the archives! After a certain point, there are no more photos of me actually ...
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A Father's Love

A Father's Love

Late November 2013. Chanukah was early that year and didn't coincide with the Christmas holidays. I was nearing a final ...
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Menorah-less Chanukah Revisited

Menorah-less Chanukah Revisited

Notes: I wrote the Hebrew part of this poem two years ago. I was on a Hebrew-poetry kick then. Since ...
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Chanukah: Fifth Candle

Chanukah: Fifth Candle

The Hardt-family Chanukah party was always in Bobby's house on motza'ei shabbos Chanukah, until the family got too large for ...
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Chanukah: Fourth Candle

Chanukah: Fourth Candle

Image description: My second-grade class is arranged on stage in the formation of a menorah, and I stand at the front ...
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Chanukah: Third Candle

Chanukah: Third Candle

The same year as the two photos I posted yesterday and the day before, but a different night of Chanukah ...
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Chanukah: Second Candle

Chanukah: Second Candle

Image description: Moments after the photo posted yesterday, I reach up to light the Chanukah candles. My father's hand still ...
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Chanukah: First Candle

Chanukah: First Candle

Image description: My father stands in front of a shelf of menorahs, holding a screaming baby (hi, Chaim!) while reaching ...
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Fixing Rips by Tightening the Threads Will Make the Whole Garment Unravel

Fixing Rips by Tightening the Threads Will Make the Whole Garment Unravel

...or at least I hope so! The metaphor of the garment title is the ultra-Orthodox community. The rising visibility of ...
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The Meaning of Death: A Yiddish Folksong and Attitudes Toward Assimilation

The Meaning of Death: A Yiddish Folksong and Attitudes Toward Assimilation

I was listening to this song about "Tsen Brider," basically a Yiddish regressive counting song in which one brother after ...
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My First F-bomb

My First F-bomb

FYI: There's a lot of the "f-word" in this post. In case you prefer not to read that word, or ...
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Disappointment

Disappointment

Dear little me, I see you sitting there at the end of the block, huddled in the corner near Silver's ...
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Tatty, Shep Nachas - Please?

Tatty, Shep Nachas – Please?

Every seventh grade in my elementary school put on a concert. Classes were paired up, and each pair sang a ...
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Crossed Legs and Bouncing Feet

Crossed Legs and Bouncing Feet

Originally published on Tales Out of Bais Yaakov. In seminary, we didn’t wear a uniform. Our skirts, however, were still ...
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Clothes Make the Person... Or Not

Clothes Make the Person… Or Not

When I started wearing pants, I was sure everyone in my life would know what a huge change I had ...
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Base Spirituality

Base Spirituality

Originally published on Tales Out of Bais Yaakov. There is a long stretch of Yom Kippur davening describing the avoda ...
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#tbt Losses and Gains

#tbt Losses and Gains

My first Rosh Hashanah "out," I felt utterly lost. It was the first yom tov I wasn't celebrating with my ...
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#XOAnthems: Tears

To my parents, to a few of my siblings, to old friends who pray for my return: I tried hard ...
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#XOAnthems: Rockabye

#XOAnthems: Rockabye

This isn't one of my more typical XOAnthems. In fact, the first few times I heard it, though I liked ...
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Lullabies

Lullabies

My mother used to sing us to sleep with a wordless lullaby. We called it "ay-lee-loo-lee," because those were the ...
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Looking Back, Looking Inward

Looking Back, Looking Inward

It's still true, and I still need to do it fairly often. In fact, this morning, I reflected on how ...
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#OTDAnthems: Counting Stars

TW: self-harm (lite) OneRepublic's "Counting Stars" got me through a really difficult weekend in the first month after I left ...
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Aiver Min Ha'chai

Aiver Min Ha'chai

I was about fifteen when I became concerned with my habit of biting my lips and the skin around my ...
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Abundance & Secrets & Evil Eyes

Abundance & Secrets & Evil Eyes

Yesterday, I did a big grocery run. I took my empty shopping cart to the supermarket, loaded it up, and ...
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When I Still Thought I Could Change Things...

When I Still Thought I Could Change Things…

This came up in my Facebook Memories, so I thought I'd share here. I no longer keep up with the ...
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A Bittersweet Story

A Bittersweet Story

I came across this story and want to share a few snippets (click through to read the full story - ...
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Lusting for Love

Lusting for Love

I find myself perhaps disproportionately frustrated when my students come into a medieval literature class with the idea that "in ...
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OTD Rosh Hashanah, Take 4

OTD Rosh Hashanah, Take 4

2014 For my first Rosh Hashanah "out," the decision not to go home for yom tov was an easy one ...
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#OTDanthems

Every so often, I come across a song I think is just so perfect as an OTD anthem. I'm thinking ...
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Excellence vs Mediocrity

Excellence vs Mediocrity

Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to observe and participate in a few conversations about whether and ...
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Campus Hillel / Chabad

Campus Hillel / Chabad

The semester's starting again soon, and already started for some. It's the time of year when campus clubs advertise and ...
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Hormonal Teenagers

Hormonal Teenagers

I think about this incident every so often and cringe at how clueless I was - about how friendships worked ...
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So I Say a Little Prayer

So I Say a Little Prayer

I found a digital journal I had kept for about a year in 2013, the year before I left home ...
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#tbt: January 2014

#tbt: January 2014

The first time I wore pants that weren't pajama pants, for like a week or more I couldn't stop admiring ...
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Assembly in My Honor

Assembly in My Honor

Originally published on Tales Out Of Bais Yaakov By the time I hit eleventh grade, I had the system down ...
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Ruchniyus & Gashmiyus (Spirituality & Physicality)

Ruchniyus & Gashmiyus (Spirituality & Physicality)

I discovered something in therapy*** recently: the ideas about spiritual transcendence of the body that we were taught in Bais ...
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Peeking in the Windows

Peeking in the Windows

When the summer got warm, the kids would all drag out their bicycles and pedal up and down the block ...
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Think Kindly of Her

Think Kindly of Her

Every so often, I do something I would not recommend for anyone - I access all the emails my mother ...
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Shidduchim Escapades (Part 3)

Shidduchim Escapades (Part 3)

In Parts and , I reach age 21 and go on my first shidduch date. The final installment of the ...
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Goyishe D*ck

Goyishe D*ck

For a while after I left my parents' home and religion, my parents asked me to visit more often. They'd ...
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Shidduchim Escapades (Part 2)

Shidduchim Escapades (Part 2)

In Part 1, I waited a while before dating and then went on a date with "Moshe," didn't want to ...
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Calendar-Juggling Revisited

Calendar-Juggling Revisited

A while ago, I wrote a post about how difficult it had been for me to juggle two calendars in ...
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Shidduchim Escapades (Part 1)

Shidduchim Escapades (Part 1)

[shidduch (plural shidduchim) = match / arranged date; shadchan (plural shadchanim) = matchmaker; shadchante (plural shadchantes) = female matchmaker (though ...
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Kosher Water

Kosher Water

As I refilled my water bottle from my school's water fountain today, I remembered this incident: When I started college, ...
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Borderline

Borderline

Note: I absolutely loved my host family, and I loved my experience with them. This story is about one of ...
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That Time I Almost Ate Non-Kosher Food but a Goy Stopped Me

That Time I Almost Ate Non-Kosher Food but a Goy Stopped Me

For three years of my City College experience, I worked as a tutor in the college's writing center. I was ...
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OTD Musings: Brain-splitting

OTD Musings: Brain-splitting

From a conversation that resulted from this post, about understanding (though not excusing) despicable things frum people do: It's so ...
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Dunkin Donuts

Dunkin Donuts

I was still religious in college. At least, that's what I told myself. I like to think that the first time ...
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Force Fields

Force Fields

I grew up with the idea that some spaces are off-limits. Of course, places like government buildings and construction sites are ...
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OTD  Visibility...and Prostitutes

OTD Visibility…and Prostitutes

Last week I witnessed a chasidish man trying to pick up women on the platform at the Times Square-42nd Street ...
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College Conversations

College Conversations

I was still religious in college, though deeply unhappy with the practices and theology I was raised to believe. I ...
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Indiana Jones at Sinai

Indiana Jones at Sinai

Three years ago, I was an OTD newbie. Every single holiday was a struggle for me and for my parents, ...
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Harry Potter

Harry Potter

I remember overhearing a conversation during lunch in seventh grade. A few girls were arguing over how to pronounce "Hermione." ...
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Journal Memories

Journal Memories

Another heartbreaking entry from my Israel 2012 journal. The most heartbreaking part is I know that I wrote this in ...
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2012-07 Israel 204

July 2012

In my memory, my mother was always supportive of my plans to go to grad school, to get a PhD, ...
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2005-11 Convention 19 (2)

November 2005

In twelfth grade, I was chosen to go to Baltimore for the annual Bais Yaakov Convention. The Bais Yaakov Convention ...
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2000-2001

2000-2001

My seventh-grade English teacher gave us a lot of creative assignments. I don't have all the stories I wrote in ...
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May 2014

May 2014

TW: sexual ... something? Five months out of my parents' home, five months since the first time I wore jeans ...
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December 2005

December 2005

The two seminaries I had applied to (besides Bais Yaakov in Boro Park, which I applied to only to get ...
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October 2006

October 2006

I had graduated high school, and headed off to Cleveland for seminary. I was happy to be going to Yavne, ...
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May 2014

May 2014

I'm lucky to have friends who try to be supportive of my "new lifestyle." But their attempts to be inclusive ...
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2007-2013

2007-2013

Moving out of my parents' home was a long process. 2006, age 18: I thought about the "older singles" I ...
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Fall 2014

Fall 2014

It had been a good few weeks since I had last visited my parents. Things were strained between us, what ...
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OTD Musings: On Religious Experiences

OTD Musings: On Religious Experiences

From a conversation with fellow OTDers: I used to think I was so connected to god when "Jewish" music made ...
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20161027_211608

October 2016

My brother's vort was a happy time. Mixed in with the happiness was a lot of tiny details that caused ...
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March 2014

March 2014

Sadie (not her real name), a girl I had known in college, was coming into town, and she messaged me ...
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December 2013

December 2013

My first semester in graduate school was almost over. I had become ever more aware of "shuttling between two worlds," ...
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Summer 2012: Part 3

Summer 2012: Part 3

In Parts 1 & 2, I plan a year abroad in the UK (which doesn't end up working out), and ...
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Summer 2012: Part 2

Summer 2012: Part 2

In Part 1, I started planning a year abroad to complete an MA in the UK. In middle of the ...
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Summer 2012: Part 1

Summer 2012: Part 1

Once I had made the decision to pursue a PhD, I attended a number of grad-school application workshops during my ...
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August 2014

August 2014

I remember the first time I realized what "I totally support your life choices" might actually look like, coming from ...
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Fall 2011

Fall 2011

In my senior year of college, I spoke to my advisors about doing a semester abroad. I found a program ...
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May 2016 (2)

May 2016 (2)

In the last few months of 2013, the last few months I lived at home as a religious Orthodox Jew, ...
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May 2016

May 2016

One of the hardest parts about going to family events in the first years I was "out" was that my ...
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June 2014

June 2014

I was in Exeter, UK. I had jumped at the chance to join a summer program, partly because it was ...
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December 2011

December 2011

In the fall semester  of my senior year in college, I took a French class. It was a lively class ...
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Frummed Out

Frummed Out

In twelfth grade, I applied to the Macaulay Honors College at CUNY, through Brooklyn College. The Macaulay program includes a ...
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March 2014

March 2014

I sat in the English lounge, reading for class. I kept glancing down at my legs - in pants! It was still ...
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February 2014

February 2014

It was the first time I could stay for my program's Friday afternoon events. I had moved out of my ...
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Pulling Others Down

Pulling Others Down

In ninth grade, I read a book that made me cry. And that was just about the highest praise a ...
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Alternative Definitions

Alternative Definitions

I was in ninth or tenth grade. My mother had only recently stopped screening my book choices. I was still ...
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Memories and Memorials

Memories and Memorials

When my grandmother passed away, I wanted to be with my family. Understandably. I went to the levaya, I went to ...
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Cuteness

Cuteness

Family lore contains multiple stories which are almost always embarrassing to the person in the story, but which give everyone ...
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Singing My Heart Out

Singing My Heart Out

Last year succos, I went to my parents for the first days. My brother and sister-in-law were there with their ...
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Pocketed Away

Pocketed Away

The first big yom tov after I moved out of parents' house was Pesach. Most of my family still didn't ...
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Swipe Left

In honor of my brother's wedding tonight, here's this story from my cousin's wedding two years ago: --- "It takes ...
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Intrusions

Intrusions

It was a random day, probably a Sunday. I was sitting in the kitchen with my mother. I was about ...
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Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes Wide Shut

I may have come to Judy Blume a little late, but I think she'd be pleased to know that her ...
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Chometz and Prustkeit

Chometz and Prustkeit

Bais Yaakov High School (in Boro Park) lets out on Rosh Chodesh Nissan, to give all the girls time to ...
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"It Gets Besser"

People who leave have multiple and complex relationships with many aspects of Orthodox Judaism. Our relationships with our pasts are ...
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Shabbos and Academia (Part 2)

Shabbos and Academia (Part 2)

In the first installment, I made arrangements for shabbos when I was scheduled to present at the National Conference for ...
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Shabbos and Academia (Part 1)

Shabbos and Academia (Part 1)

In my junior year of college, my professor suggested that the paper I'd written for her class was good enough ...
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Pantsless

Pantsless

My mother and sisters often shop at Macy's which is right near the CUNY Graduate Center, where I am quite often ...
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Nothing But the Truth...

Nothing But the Truth…

A lot of decisions need to be made in an instant, when you're coming home OTD, when you're navigating relationships, ...
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Klaxon Screams

Klaxon Screams

My family wanted me to spend time with them, even after I moved out and completely left religion behind. And ...
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Farshtelt

Farshtelt

(Farshtelt - Yiddish for "dressed up," "disguised.") Purim - a time to dress up and pretend to be someone you're ...
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Bad Influence

Bad Influence

It's a truth universally acknowledged that someone who found liberation will try to liberate others. Or at least that's the common ...
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Dress-up and Play-acting

Dress-up and Play-acting

My uncle passed away at a fairly young age. He was sick for a few months, went into a coma ...
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Dissonance

A strange sort of dissonance happens when I listen to songs from my childhood. More often than not, I listen ...
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Juggling Calendars

Juggling Calendars

When you're OTD and trying to spare your family's feelings, you juggle two calendars in your head all the time ...
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Lesser of Two Evils

Lesser of Two Evils

My mother may have thought I was cutting my wrists for a while. Partly as a cliched version of an ...
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