O Heart, Rebellious and Stubborn

לב סורר ומורה

התחלות הן קשות
אומרים לי.
אני אומרת.
אני יודעת
Beginnings are difficult
they tell me.
Of course,
I say.
I know that

אז מדוע,
מדוע את בוכה?
Then why,
they ask,
why do you cry?

אין לי ברירה,
I don’t have a choice,
I retort.

כשלקחתי ברירה,
״יש לי ברירה!״
ברירה אחרת
נלקחה ממני.
When I reached for a choice,
when I said
“I have a choice!”
another choice
was snatched from me.

עדיין יש לי לב.
I still have a heart.

אמרתי אין לי
אבל עדיין יש לי לב.
ולבי כואב.
I said I don’t have a
But I still have a heart
and my heart aches.

לבי כואב
ומעיני זורם.
My heart aches
and it pours from my eyes.

I wrote the Hebrew version of this in November 2015. It was still the “beginning” then, I was told by friends who supported me, even though I felt like my new beginning should have stopped beginning by then – I had left home almost two years earlier, after all.

But the truth is, every moment is a new beginning, and I’ve come to realize that living means beginning again and again one moment after the next. And yes, every beginning is difficult. Every moment is difficult.

When I wrote the Hebrew sections two years ago, I wished I could rip out my heart.

I wished that my heart wasn’t hurt by my parents’ grief for me and attempts to save the soul I didn’t believe I had.

I wished that choosing to be true to myself didn’t shut the door on other choices – choices like having uncomplicated relationships with my parents, my community, my past.

I wished I didn’t care so much about those I hurt with my choices, I wished I didn’t care so much about the opinions of those who judged me, I wished I didn’t care I wished I didn’t care I wished I didn’t care.

I no longer wish any of that, because I don’t want to waste wishes.

Because I want to care. 

And now, when my rebellious heart pours from my eyes, I let it.

I’m a rebel, after all. It stands to reason my heart will be too.

2 thoughts on “O Heart, Rebellious and Stubborn

  1. “…living means beginning again and again one moment after the next.” And as you continue to say, all off this is difficult. But the difficulties are not everlasting–there will be joy and growth and moments when you look back and all this will like a nasty dream that happened to someone else (it will still make you feel things, since you have a heart, but it won’t break you). Light will pour out of yours… and love and knowing.

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